Head vs. Heart

Today is day 11 on the new med. I’m not feeling any effects yet. Last night was the second night I’ve been completely weaned off the old drug, so the next week or two should be telling, particuarly if the lack of the old medication is going to hit me hard.

I’m treatment-resistant, so many drugs don’t even touch me, or they require a much higher doseage than most people need. I’m either going to feel a change in the next couple of weeks or I won’t. If I don’t, it’s going to mean we’ll need to up the doseage. Then more waiting to see if THAT change makes a difference.

20180821_125245And that’s one of the biggest pains in the ass when you’re mentally ill: the trial-and-error of medication. It’s a never-ending struggle, especially when you’re treatment-resistant. When you wind up eventually needing to come off one med and find another to replace it, it’s always a lab rat situation. Let’s see if this one works. No? OK, wean off that one and then we’ll try this one for a few weeks. No? OK, off that one and onto THIS one. Lather, rinse, repeat. Over and over. For weeks…months…years. Until you hopefully find a good med…or combo of meds.

And in my case, I have physical ailments, as well. Diabetes, for one, so there are more medications beyond just my antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc. Plus the supplements I take (adaptogenic herbs, vitamin D3, COQ10, etc. I’m a walking pharmacy.

While I await a change, I remain a slug. I don’t feel like doing much of anything once I force myself out of bed. And honestly, if it weren’t for the need to use the bathroom, I don’t know that I’d bother getting out of bed, either. I have so much to do, and more piles up every day, but my motivation is nil.

In times like this, it’s important to remember that everything is temporary. This, too, shall pass. Problem is, the distance between my brain – which knows that – and my heart – which NEEDS to know it – is enormous.

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